Explore Others’ Paths
Over the past view months your daughter Wendy has started to date a guy who looks like he’s about ten minutes away from felony arrest. After only a few weeks of dating this fellow. Wendy’s clothing preference is now far too suggestive for your taste, and she routinely punctuates her language with expletives. When you carefully try to talk to her about these recent changes, she shouts accusations and insults and then withdraws to her room where she sulks for hours on end.
Now what? Should you do something given that you’re not the one going to silence or violence? When others clam up (refusing to speak their minds) or blow up (communicating in a way that is abusive and insulting), is there something you can do to get them to dialogue?
And while it’s true that you can’t force others to dialogue, you can take steps to make it safer for them to do so. After all, that’s why they’ve sought the security of silence or violence in the first place. They’re afraid that dialogue will make them vulnerable. Somehow they believe that if they engage in real conversation with you, bad things will happen. Your daughter, for instance, believes that if she talks with you, she’ll be lectured, grounded, and cut off from the only guy who seems to care about her. Restoring safety is your greatest hope to get your relationship back on track.
Whenever you notice safety is at risk, you should step out of the conversation and restore it. When you have offended others through a thoughtless act, apologize. Or if someone has misunderstood your intent, use Contrasting. Explain what you do and don’t intent. Finally, if you’re simply at odds, find a Mutual Purpose.
If we can find a way to let others know that it’s okay to share their Path to Action – their facts, and yes even their nasty story und ugly feelings – then they’ll be more likely to open up. But what does it take?
Be sincere. To get at others’ facts and stories, we have to invite them to share what’s on their minds. When you do invite people to share their views, you must meant it. When you ask people to open up, be prepare to listen.
Be curious. When you do want to hear from others (and you should because it adds to the pool of meaning), the best way to get at the truth is by making it safe for them to express the stories that are moving them to either silence or violence. This means that at the very moment when most people become furious, we need to become curious. Rather than respond in kind, we need to wonder what’s behind the ruckus.
Getting to the source of fear and discomfort is the best way to return to dialogue. Do your best to get at the person’s source of fear or anger. Look for chances to turn on your curiosity rather than kick-start your adrenaline.
To avoid overreacting to others’ stories, stay curious. Give your brain a problem to stay focused on. Ask: “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person say that?” This question keep you retracing the other person’s Path to Action until you see how it all fits together. And in most cases, you end up seeing that under the circumstances, the individual in question drew a fairly reasonable conclusion.
Be patient. Once the chemicals that fuel emotions are released, they hang around in the bloodstream for a time – in some cases, long after thoughts have changed. So be patient when exploring how others think and feel. Encourage them to share their path and then wait for their emotions to catch up with the safety that you’ve created.
We are joining the conversation at the end of their Path to Action. They’ve seen and heard things, told themselves a story or two, generated a feeling (possibly a mix of fear and anger or disappointment), and now they’re starting to act out their story. That’s where you joined in. What happened before you joined in?
Crucial conversations can be equally mysterious and frustrating. When others are in either silence or violence, we’re actually joining their Path to Action already in progress. Consequently, we’ve already missed the foundation of the story and we’re confused. If we’re not careful, we can become defensive.
Break the Cycle. And then guess what happens? When were on the receiving end of someone’s retributions, accusations, and cheap shots, rarely do we think: “My, what an interesting story he or she must have told. What do you supposed led to that?” Instead, we match this unhealthy behavior. Our defense mechanism kick in, and we create our own hasty and ugly Path to Action.
People who know better cut this dangerous cycle by stepping out of the interaction and making it safe for the other person to talk about his or her Path to Action. They perform this feat by encouraging him or her to move away from harsh feelings and knee-jerk reactions and toward the root cause. In essence, they retrace the other person’s Path to Action together.
When we help others retrace their path to its origin, not only do we help curb our reaction, but we also return to the place where the feeling can be resolved – at the source, or the facts and the story behind the emotion. We can see that if we don’t get at the source of their feelings, we’ll end up suffering the effect of the feelings.
Whatever we do to invite the other person to open up and share his or her path, our invitation must be sincere. In order for the people to move from acting their feelings to talking about their conclusions and observations, we must listen in a way that makes it safe for others to share their intimate thoughts. They must believe that when they share their thoughts, they won’t offend or be punished for speaking frankly.
To encourage others to share their paths we’ll use four listening tools: Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, and Prime (AMPP).
Ask
All it takes to break an impasse is to seek to understand other’s views. When we show genuine interest, people feel less compelled to use silence or violence. For example:
You: “Can we talk about that?”
You: “I really would like to hear what makes you think I’m trying to control your life.”
Invite the other person to talk about what’s really going on, it can go along way toward breaking the downward spiral and getting to the source of the problem.
Mirror
Mirroring can help build more safety. Although we may not understand others’ stories or facts, we can see their actions and get clues about their feelings. Mirroring is most useful when another person’s tone of voice or gestures are inconsistent with his or her words. For example:
Wendy: “It’s not a big deal (sounding angry). You’re the parent, right?”
You: “From the way you say that, it sounds like it is a big deal.” [Mirror]
We explain that while the person may be saying one thing, his or her tone of voice or body posture suggests something else. So we describe what we see, we have to do so calmly. In doing so, we show respect and concern for him or her.
The most important element of mirroring is our tone of voice. We create safety when our tone of voice says we’re okay with them feeling the way they’re feeling. If we do this well, they may conclude that rather than acting out their emotions, they can confidently talk them out with us instead.
Paraphrase
When you get a clue about why the person is feeling as he or she does, you can build additional safety by paraphrasing what you’ve heard. For example:
You: “So you feel like I don’t approve of you, and your friend is one person who does?”
You: “I can see how you’d feel badly when others are getting attention from boys and you aren’t. I’d probably feel the same way.”
The key to paraphrasing, as with mirroring, is to remain calm and collected. Our goal is to make it safe. Stay focused on figuring out how a reasonable, rational, and decent person could have created this Path to Action. This will help you keep from becoming angry and defensive.
Prime
The term priming comes from the expression “priming the pump.” If you’ve ever worked an old-fashioned hand pump, you understand the metaphor. With a pump, you often have to pour some water into it to get running. Then it works just fine.
Sometimes you have to offer your best guess at what the other person is thinking or feeling. You have to pour some meaning into the pool before the other person will do the same. You really want to hear from others, and you have a very strong idea of what they’re probably thinking. For example:
You: “I wonder if part of the reason you’ve started dressing differently and hanging out with different friends is because you’re not feeling cared about and valued by boys, by your parents, and by others right now. Is that part of it?”
Now let’s put the several skills together in a single interaction. We return to Wendy. She has just come home from a date with the guy who has you frightened. You yank the door open, pull Wendy into the house, and double-bolt your entrance. Then you talk, sort of.
Wendy: “How could you embarrass me like that! I get one boy to like me, and now he’ll never talk to me again! I hate you!”
You: “That wasn’t a boy. That was a future inmate. You’re worth more than that. Why are you wasting your time with him?”
Wendy: “You’re ruining my life. Leave me alone!”
After Wendy’s bedroom door slams shut, your drop down into a chair in the living room. Your emotions are running wild. You are terrified about what could happen if Wendy continues to see this guy. You’re hurt that she said she hated you. You feel that your relationship with her is spiraling out of control.
So you ask yourself, “What do I really want?” As you mull this question over, your motives change. The goals of controlling Wendy and defending your pride drop from the top to the bottom of your list.
The goal that is now at the top looks a bit more inspiring: “I want to understand what she’s feeling. I want a good relationship with Wendy. And I want her to make choices that will make her happy.
You’re not sure if tonight is the best or worst time to talk, but you know that talking is the only path forward. So you give it a shot.
You: (Tapping the door) “Wendy? May I talk with you please?”
Wendy: “Whatever.”
(You enter her room and sit on her bed.)
You: I’m really sorry for embarrassing you like that. That was a bad way to handle it. [Apologize to build safety]
Wendy: “It’s just that you do that a lot. It’s like you want to control everything in my life.”
You: “Can we talk about that?”
Wendy: “It’s not a big deal (sounding angry). You’re the parent, right?”
You: “From the way you say that, it sounds like it is a big deal.” [Mirror].
“I really would like to hear what makes you think I’m trying to control your life.” [Ask]
Wendy: “What, so you can tell me more ways that I’m screwed up? I’ve finally got one friend who accepts me, and you’re trying to chase him away!”
You: “So you feel like I don’t approve of you, and your friend is one person who does?” [Paraphrase]
Wendy: “It’s not just you. All my friends have lots of boys who like them. Doug’s the first guy who’s even called me. I don’t know – never mind.”
You: “I can see how you’d feel badly when others are getting attention from boys and you aren’t. I’d probably feel the same way.” [Paraphrase]
Wendy: “Then how could you embarrass me like that?!”
You: “I wonder if part of the reason you’ve started dressing differently and hanging out with different friends is because you’re not feeling cared about and valued by boys, by your parents, and by others right now. Is that part of it?” [Prime]
Wendy: (Sits quietly for a long time) I really work on how I look but . . . .
From here, the conversation goes to the real issues, parent and daughter discuss what’s really going on, and both come to a better understanding of each other.
Let’s say you did your level best to make it safe for the other person to talk. After asking, mirroring, paraphrasing, and eventually priming, the other person opened up and shared his or her path. As you begin to share your views, remember:
Agree. Agree when you do.
Build. Build if others leave something out, point out areas of agreement and then add elements that were left out of the discussion.
Compare. When you differ significantly, don’t suggest others are wrong. Compare two views. So instead of pronouncing “Wrong!” start with a tentative but candid opening such as “I think I see things differently. Let me describe how.” Don’t turn differences into debates that lead to unhealthy relationships and bad results.
Summary - Explore Others' Paths
Start with an attitude of curiosity and patience. This helps restore safety. Then use four listening skills (Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, and Prime) to retrace the other person’s Path to Action to its origins.
· Ask. Start by simply expressing interest in the other person’s views.
· Mirror. Increase safety by respectfully acknowledging the emotions people appear to be feeling.
· Paraphrase. As others begin to share part of their story, restate what you’ve heard to show not just that you understand, but also that it’s safe for them to share what they’re thinking.
· Prime. If others continue to hold back, prime. Take your best guess at what they may be thinking and feeling.
As you begin to share your views, remember:
· Agree. Agree when you do.
· Build. Build if others leave something out, point out areas of agreement and then add elements that were left out of the discussion.
· Compare. When you differ significantly, don’t suggest others are wrong. Compare two views. So instead of pronouncing “Wrong!” start with a tentative but candid opening such as “I think I see things differently. Let me describe how.” Don’t turn differences into debates that lead to unhealthy relationships and bad results.
Now what? Should you do something given that you’re not the one going to silence or violence? When others clam up (refusing to speak their minds) or blow up (communicating in a way that is abusive and insulting), is there something you can do to get them to dialogue?
And while it’s true that you can’t force others to dialogue, you can take steps to make it safer for them to do so. After all, that’s why they’ve sought the security of silence or violence in the first place. They’re afraid that dialogue will make them vulnerable. Somehow they believe that if they engage in real conversation with you, bad things will happen. Your daughter, for instance, believes that if she talks with you, she’ll be lectured, grounded, and cut off from the only guy who seems to care about her. Restoring safety is your greatest hope to get your relationship back on track.
Whenever you notice safety is at risk, you should step out of the conversation and restore it. When you have offended others through a thoughtless act, apologize. Or if someone has misunderstood your intent, use Contrasting. Explain what you do and don’t intent. Finally, if you’re simply at odds, find a Mutual Purpose.
If we can find a way to let others know that it’s okay to share their Path to Action – their facts, and yes even their nasty story und ugly feelings – then they’ll be more likely to open up. But what does it take?
Be sincere. To get at others’ facts and stories, we have to invite them to share what’s on their minds. When you do invite people to share their views, you must meant it. When you ask people to open up, be prepare to listen.
Be curious. When you do want to hear from others (and you should because it adds to the pool of meaning), the best way to get at the truth is by making it safe for them to express the stories that are moving them to either silence or violence. This means that at the very moment when most people become furious, we need to become curious. Rather than respond in kind, we need to wonder what’s behind the ruckus.
Getting to the source of fear and discomfort is the best way to return to dialogue. Do your best to get at the person’s source of fear or anger. Look for chances to turn on your curiosity rather than kick-start your adrenaline.
To avoid overreacting to others’ stories, stay curious. Give your brain a problem to stay focused on. Ask: “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person say that?” This question keep you retracing the other person’s Path to Action until you see how it all fits together. And in most cases, you end up seeing that under the circumstances, the individual in question drew a fairly reasonable conclusion.
Be patient. Once the chemicals that fuel emotions are released, they hang around in the bloodstream for a time – in some cases, long after thoughts have changed. So be patient when exploring how others think and feel. Encourage them to share their path and then wait for their emotions to catch up with the safety that you’ve created.
We are joining the conversation at the end of their Path to Action. They’ve seen and heard things, told themselves a story or two, generated a feeling (possibly a mix of fear and anger or disappointment), and now they’re starting to act out their story. That’s where you joined in. What happened before you joined in?
Crucial conversations can be equally mysterious and frustrating. When others are in either silence or violence, we’re actually joining their Path to Action already in progress. Consequently, we’ve already missed the foundation of the story and we’re confused. If we’re not careful, we can become defensive.
Break the Cycle. And then guess what happens? When were on the receiving end of someone’s retributions, accusations, and cheap shots, rarely do we think: “My, what an interesting story he or she must have told. What do you supposed led to that?” Instead, we match this unhealthy behavior. Our defense mechanism kick in, and we create our own hasty and ugly Path to Action.
People who know better cut this dangerous cycle by stepping out of the interaction and making it safe for the other person to talk about his or her Path to Action. They perform this feat by encouraging him or her to move away from harsh feelings and knee-jerk reactions and toward the root cause. In essence, they retrace the other person’s Path to Action together.
When we help others retrace their path to its origin, not only do we help curb our reaction, but we also return to the place where the feeling can be resolved – at the source, or the facts and the story behind the emotion. We can see that if we don’t get at the source of their feelings, we’ll end up suffering the effect of the feelings.
Whatever we do to invite the other person to open up and share his or her path, our invitation must be sincere. In order for the people to move from acting their feelings to talking about their conclusions and observations, we must listen in a way that makes it safe for others to share their intimate thoughts. They must believe that when they share their thoughts, they won’t offend or be punished for speaking frankly.
To encourage others to share their paths we’ll use four listening tools: Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, and Prime (AMPP).
Ask
All it takes to break an impasse is to seek to understand other’s views. When we show genuine interest, people feel less compelled to use silence or violence. For example:
You: “Can we talk about that?”
You: “I really would like to hear what makes you think I’m trying to control your life.”
Invite the other person to talk about what’s really going on, it can go along way toward breaking the downward spiral and getting to the source of the problem.
Mirror
Mirroring can help build more safety. Although we may not understand others’ stories or facts, we can see their actions and get clues about their feelings. Mirroring is most useful when another person’s tone of voice or gestures are inconsistent with his or her words. For example:
Wendy: “It’s not a big deal (sounding angry). You’re the parent, right?”
You: “From the way you say that, it sounds like it is a big deal.” [Mirror]
We explain that while the person may be saying one thing, his or her tone of voice or body posture suggests something else. So we describe what we see, we have to do so calmly. In doing so, we show respect and concern for him or her.
The most important element of mirroring is our tone of voice. We create safety when our tone of voice says we’re okay with them feeling the way they’re feeling. If we do this well, they may conclude that rather than acting out their emotions, they can confidently talk them out with us instead.
Paraphrase
When you get a clue about why the person is feeling as he or she does, you can build additional safety by paraphrasing what you’ve heard. For example:
You: “So you feel like I don’t approve of you, and your friend is one person who does?”
You: “I can see how you’d feel badly when others are getting attention from boys and you aren’t. I’d probably feel the same way.”
The key to paraphrasing, as with mirroring, is to remain calm and collected. Our goal is to make it safe. Stay focused on figuring out how a reasonable, rational, and decent person could have created this Path to Action. This will help you keep from becoming angry and defensive.
Prime
The term priming comes from the expression “priming the pump.” If you’ve ever worked an old-fashioned hand pump, you understand the metaphor. With a pump, you often have to pour some water into it to get running. Then it works just fine.
Sometimes you have to offer your best guess at what the other person is thinking or feeling. You have to pour some meaning into the pool before the other person will do the same. You really want to hear from others, and you have a very strong idea of what they’re probably thinking. For example:
You: “I wonder if part of the reason you’ve started dressing differently and hanging out with different friends is because you’re not feeling cared about and valued by boys, by your parents, and by others right now. Is that part of it?”
Now let’s put the several skills together in a single interaction. We return to Wendy. She has just come home from a date with the guy who has you frightened. You yank the door open, pull Wendy into the house, and double-bolt your entrance. Then you talk, sort of.
Wendy: “How could you embarrass me like that! I get one boy to like me, and now he’ll never talk to me again! I hate you!”
You: “That wasn’t a boy. That was a future inmate. You’re worth more than that. Why are you wasting your time with him?”
Wendy: “You’re ruining my life. Leave me alone!”
After Wendy’s bedroom door slams shut, your drop down into a chair in the living room. Your emotions are running wild. You are terrified about what could happen if Wendy continues to see this guy. You’re hurt that she said she hated you. You feel that your relationship with her is spiraling out of control.
So you ask yourself, “What do I really want?” As you mull this question over, your motives change. The goals of controlling Wendy and defending your pride drop from the top to the bottom of your list.
The goal that is now at the top looks a bit more inspiring: “I want to understand what she’s feeling. I want a good relationship with Wendy. And I want her to make choices that will make her happy.
You’re not sure if tonight is the best or worst time to talk, but you know that talking is the only path forward. So you give it a shot.
You: (Tapping the door) “Wendy? May I talk with you please?”
Wendy: “Whatever.”
(You enter her room and sit on her bed.)
You: I’m really sorry for embarrassing you like that. That was a bad way to handle it. [Apologize to build safety]
Wendy: “It’s just that you do that a lot. It’s like you want to control everything in my life.”
You: “Can we talk about that?”
Wendy: “It’s not a big deal (sounding angry). You’re the parent, right?”
You: “From the way you say that, it sounds like it is a big deal.” [Mirror].
“I really would like to hear what makes you think I’m trying to control your life.” [Ask]
Wendy: “What, so you can tell me more ways that I’m screwed up? I’ve finally got one friend who accepts me, and you’re trying to chase him away!”
You: “So you feel like I don’t approve of you, and your friend is one person who does?” [Paraphrase]
Wendy: “It’s not just you. All my friends have lots of boys who like them. Doug’s the first guy who’s even called me. I don’t know – never mind.”
You: “I can see how you’d feel badly when others are getting attention from boys and you aren’t. I’d probably feel the same way.” [Paraphrase]
Wendy: “Then how could you embarrass me like that?!”
You: “I wonder if part of the reason you’ve started dressing differently and hanging out with different friends is because you’re not feeling cared about and valued by boys, by your parents, and by others right now. Is that part of it?” [Prime]
Wendy: (Sits quietly for a long time) I really work on how I look but . . . .
From here, the conversation goes to the real issues, parent and daughter discuss what’s really going on, and both come to a better understanding of each other.
Let’s say you did your level best to make it safe for the other person to talk. After asking, mirroring, paraphrasing, and eventually priming, the other person opened up and shared his or her path. As you begin to share your views, remember:
Agree. Agree when you do.
Build. Build if others leave something out, point out areas of agreement and then add elements that were left out of the discussion.
Compare. When you differ significantly, don’t suggest others are wrong. Compare two views. So instead of pronouncing “Wrong!” start with a tentative but candid opening such as “I think I see things differently. Let me describe how.” Don’t turn differences into debates that lead to unhealthy relationships and bad results.
Summary - Explore Others' Paths
Start with an attitude of curiosity and patience. This helps restore safety. Then use four listening skills (Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, and Prime) to retrace the other person’s Path to Action to its origins.
· Ask. Start by simply expressing interest in the other person’s views.
· Mirror. Increase safety by respectfully acknowledging the emotions people appear to be feeling.
· Paraphrase. As others begin to share part of their story, restate what you’ve heard to show not just that you understand, but also that it’s safe for them to share what they’re thinking.
· Prime. If others continue to hold back, prime. Take your best guess at what they may be thinking and feeling.
As you begin to share your views, remember:
· Agree. Agree when you do.
· Build. Build if others leave something out, point out areas of agreement and then add elements that were left out of the discussion.
· Compare. When you differ significantly, don’t suggest others are wrong. Compare two views. So instead of pronouncing “Wrong!” start with a tentative but candid opening such as “I think I see things differently. Let me describe how.” Don’t turn differences into debates that lead to unhealthy relationships and bad results.
posted by Inspirational Articles at 7:31 AM
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