STATE My Path – Speak Persuasively, Not Abrasively

Adding information to the pool of meaning can be quite difficult when the ideas we’re about to dump into the collective consciousness contain delicate, unattractive, or controversial opinions.

It’s one thing to argue that your company need to shift from green to red packaging; it’s quite another to tell a person that he or she is offensive or unlikable or has a controlling leadership style. When the topic turns from things to people, it’s always more difficult.

The best people at dialogue speak their minds completely and do it in a way that makes it safe for others to hear what they have to say and respond to it as well. They are both totally frank and completely respectful.

To speak honestly when honesty could easily offend others, we have to find a way to maintain safety. How can we speak the unspeakable and still maintain respect? Actually, it can be done if you know how to carefully blend three ingredients – confidence, humility, and skill.

Confidence
Most people simply won’t hold delicate conversations – well, at least not with the right person. For instance, your colleague Brian goes home at night and tells his wife that his boss, Fernando, is micromanaging him to within an inch of his life. He says the same thing over lunch when talking with his pals. Everyone knows what Brian thinks about Fernando – except, of course, Fernando. People who are skilled at dialogue have the confidence to say what needs to be said to the person who needs to hear it.

Humility
Skilled people are confident that they have something to say, but also realize that others have valuable input. They are humble enough to realize that they don’t have a monopoly on the truth. Their opinions provide a starting point but not the final word. They may currently believe something but realize that with new information they may change their minds. This means they’re willing to both express their opinions and encourage others to do the same.

Skill
People who are willingly share delicate issue are good at doing it. That’s why they are confident in the first place. They speak the unspeakable, and people are grateful for their honesty.

To see how to discuss sensitive issues, let’s look at an enormously difficult problem. Bob has just walked in the door, and his wife Carole, looks upset. He can tell from her swollen eyes that she’s been crying. Only when he walks in the door, Carole doesn’t turn to him for comfort. Instead, she looks at him with an expression that says, “How could you?” Bob doesn’t know it yet, but Carole thinks he’s having an affair. He’s not.

How did Carole come to this dangerous and wrong conclusion? Earlier that day she had been going over the credit card statement when she noticed a charge from the Good Night Motel – a cheap place located not more than a mile from their home. “Why would he stay in a motel so close to home?” she wonders. “And why didn’t I know about it?” Then it hits her – “That unfaithful jerk!”

Now what’s the worst way Carole might handle this? What’s the worst way of talking about the problem? Most people agree that jumping in with an ugly accusation followed by a threat is a good candidate for that distinction. It’s also what most people do, and Carole is no exception.

“I can’t believe you’re doing this to me,” she says in a painful tone.
“Doing what?” Bob asks – not knowing what she’s talking about but figuring that whatever it is, it can’t be good.
“You know what I’m talking about,” she says, continuing to keep Bob on edge.
(Do I need to apologize for missing her birthday? Bob wonders to himself. No, it’s not even summer and her birthday is on . . . . well, it’s sweltering on her birthday.)
“I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he responds, taken aback.
“You’re having an affair, and I have proof right here!” Carole explains holding up a piece of crumpled paper.
“What’s on that paper that says I’m having an affair?” he asks, completely befuddled because (1) he is not having an affair and (2) the paper contains not a single compromising photo.
“It’s motel bill, you jerk. You take some woman to a motel, and you put it on the credit card?! I can’t believe you’re doing this to me!”

Now if Carole were certain that Bob was having an affair, perhaps this kind of talk would be warranted. It may not be the best way to work through the issue, but Bob would at least understand why Carole made the accusations and hurled threats. But, in truth, she only has a piece of paper with some number on it. This tangible piece of evidence has made her suspicious. How should she talk about this nasty hunch in a way that leads to dialogue?

If Carole’s goal is to have a healthy conversation about a tough topic, her only hope is to stay in dialogue. That holds true for anybody with any crucial conversation. That means that despite your worst suspicions, you shouldn’t violate respect. In similar vein, you shouldn’t kill safety with threats and accusations.

So what should you do? Start with Heart. Think about what you really want and how dialogue can help you get it. And master your story (interpretation about the fact). The best way to find out the true story is not to act out the worst story you can generate. This will lead to self-destructive silence and violence games.

Once you have worked on yourself to create the right conditions for dialogue, you can then draw upon five distinct skills that can help you talk about even the most sensitive topics. These five tools can be easily remembered with the acronym STATE. It stands for:

· (S)hare your facts
· (T)ell your story
· (A)sk for others’ paths
· (T)alk tentatively
· (E)ncourage testing


Share your facts
If you retrace your Path to Action to the source, you eventually arrive at the facts.

See/Hear ==> Interpret/Tell a Story ==> Feel ==> Act

For example, Carole found the credit card invoice. That’s a fact. She then told a story – Bob is having an affair. Next, she felt betrayed and horrified. Finally, she attacked Bob – “I should never have married you!” The whole interaction was fast, predictable, and very ugly.

What if Carole took a different route – one that started with facts? What if she were able to suspend the ugly story she told herself and then start her conversation with the fact? Wouldn’t that be a safer way to go?

“Maybe,” she musses, “there is a good reason behind all of this. Why don’t I start with the suspicious bill and then go from there?” If she started there, she’d be right.

Unfortunately, when we’re drunk on adrenaline, our tendency is to do precisely the opposite. Since we’re obsessing on our emotions and stories, that’s what we start with. Of course, this is the most controversial, least influential, and most insulting way we could begin. To make matters worse, this strategy creates still another self-fulfilling prophecy. We’re so anxious to blurt out our ugly stories that we says things in extremely ineffective ways. Then, when we get bad results (and we’re going to get bad results), we tell ourselves that we just can’t share risky views without creating problems.

So the next time we’ve got something sticky to say, we’re even more reluctant to say it. We hold it inside where the story builds up steam, and when we do eventually share our horrific story, we do so with a vengeance. The cycle starts all over again.

Facts are the least controversial. Facts provide a safe beginning. Facts are the most persuasive. In addition to being less controversial, facts are also more persuasive than subjective conclusions. So if you want to persuade others, don’t start with your stories. Start with your observations. Take time to sort out facts from conclusions. Gathering the facts is the homework required for crucial conversation. For example:

Carole: “I was checking our credit card bill, and I noticed a charge of forty-eight dollar for the Good Night Motel down the street.”

Tell your story
Earn the right to share your story by starting with your facts. Facts lay the groundwork for all delicate conversations. To be honest, it can be difficult to share negative conclusions and unattractive judgments. It takes confidence to share such a potentially inflammatory story. However, if you’ve done your homework by thinking through the facts behind your story you’ll realize that you are drawing a reasonable, rational, and decent conclusion. One that deserves hearing. For example:

Carole: “You know that’s how my sister found out that Phil was having an affair. She found a suspicious motel bill.” [Share story - tentatively]

Look for safety problems.
As you share your story, watch for sign that safety is deteriorating. If people start becoming defensive or appear to be insulted, step out of the conversation and rebuild safety by Contrasting. For example:

Carole: “I know that you’ve given me no reason to question your fidelity. I don’t really believe that you’re having an affair.”

Be careful not to apologize for your views. Remember, the goal of Contrasting is not to water down your message, but to be sure that people don’t hear more than you intend. Be confident enough to share what you really want to express.

Ask for others’ paths
So once you’ve shared your point of view – facts and stories alike – invite others to do the same. If your goal is to learn rather than to be right, to make the best decision rather than to get your way, then you’ll be willing to hear other views. By being open to learning we are demonstrating humility at its best. For example:

Carole: “I don’t have anything to worry about do I?”

Talk tentatively
Talking tentatively simply means that we tell our story as a story rather than disguising it as a fact. For examples:

“I’m starting to feel like you don’t trust me. Is that what’s going on here? If, so I’d like to know what I did to lose your trust.”
“I don’t think you’re intending this, but I’m beginning to feel rejected.”

Why soften the message? Because we’re trying to add meaning to the pool, not force it down other people’s throats. Besides, with both facts and stories, we’re not absolutely certain they’re true. Our observation could be faulty. Our stories – well, they’re only educated guesses.

In addition, when we use tentative language, not only does it accurately portray our uncertain view, but it also helps reduce defensiveness and makes it safe for others to offer differing opinions.

One of the ironies of dialogue is that when we’re sharing controversial ideas with potentially resistant people, the more forceful we are, the less persuasive we are. In short, talking tentatively can actually increase our influence.

Encouraging testing
When you ask others to share their paths, how you phrase your invitation makes a big difference. Not only should you invite others to talk, but you have to do so in a way that makes it clear that no matter how controversial their ideas are, you want to hear them. Others need to feel safe sharing their observations and stories – even if they differ. Otherwise, they don’t speak up and you can’t test the accuracy and relevance of your views. For example:

Carole: “It’s just that it might help put my mind to rest if we were to check on this right now. Would that bother you?”

To see how all of the STATE skills fit together in a touchy conversation, let’s return to the motel bill. Only this time, Carole does a far better job of bringing up a delicate issue.

Bob: “Hi Carole, how was your day?”
Carole: “Not so good.”
Bob: “Why’s that?”
Carole: “I was checking our credit card bill, and I noticed a charge of forty-eight dollar for the Good Night Motel down the street.” [Share facts]
Bob: “Boy, that sounds wrong.”
Carole: “It sure does.”
Bob: “Well, don’t worry. I’ll check into it one day when I’m going by.”
Carole: “I’d feel better if we checked right now.”
Bob: “Really? It’s less than fifty bucks. It can wait.”
Carole: “It’s not the money that has me worried.”
Bob: “You’re worried?”
Carole: “It’s the motel down the street. You know that’s how my sister found out that Phil was having an affair. She found a suspicious motel bill.” [Share story - tentatively]
I don’t have anything to worry about do I?” [Ask for other’s path]
Bob: “I don’t know, but you certainly don’t have to worry about me.”
Carole: “I know that you’ve given me no reason to question your fidelity. I don’t really believe that you’re having an affair.” [Contrasting]
It’s just that it might help put my mind to rest if we were to check on this right now. Would that bother you? [Encourage testing]
Bob: “Not at all. Let’s give them a call and find out what’s going on.”

When this conversation actually did take place, it sounded exactly like the one portrayed above. The suspicious spouse avoided nasty accusations and ugly stories, shared facts, and then tentatively shared a possible conclusion. As it turns out, the couple had gone out to a Chinese restaurant earlier that month. The owner of the restaurant also owned the motel and used the same credit card imprinting machine at both establishments. Oops.

By tentatively sharing a story rather than attacking, name-calling, and threatening, the worried spouse averted a huge battle, and the couple’s relationship was strengthened at a time when it could easily have been damaged.

Summary - STATE My Path
When you have tough message to share, or when you are so convinced of your own rightness that you may push too hard, remember to STATE your path:

· (S)hare your facts. Start with the least controversial, most persuasive elements from your Path to Action.
· (T)ell your story. Explain what you’re beginning to conclude.
· (A)sk for others’ paths. Encourage others to share both their facts and their stories.
· (T)alk tentatively. State your story as a story – don’t disguise it as a fact.
· (E)ncourage testing. Make it safe for others to express differing or even opposing views.