Master My Stories
This article explores how to gain control of crucial conversations by learning how to take charge of your emotions.
Consider Maria, a copywriter who is currently hostage to some pretty strong emotions. She and her colleague Louis just reviewed the latest draft of a proposal with their boss. During the meeting, they were supposed to be jointly presenting their latest ideas. But when Maria paused to take a breath, Louis took over the presentation, making almost all the points they had come up with together. When the boss turned to Maria for input, there was nothing left for her to say.
Maria has been feeling humiliated and angry throughout this project. First, Louis took their suggestions to the boss and discussed them behind her back. Second, he completely monopolized the presentation. Consequently, Maria believes that Louis is downplaying her contribution because she’s the only woman on the team.
She’s getting fed up with his “boys’ club” mentality. So what does she do? She doesn’t want to appear “oversensitive,” so most of the time she says nothing and just does her job. However, she does manage to assert herself by occasionally getting in sarcastic jabs about the way she’s being treated.
“Sure I can get that printout for you. Should I just get your coffee and whip up a Bundt cake while I’m at it?” She mutters and tolls her eyes as she exits the room.
Louis, in turn, finds Maria’s cheap shots and sarcasm puzzling. He’s not sure what has Maria upset but is beginning to despise her smug attitude and hostile reaction to most everything he does. As a result, when the two work together, you could cut the tension with a knife.
People who are the worst at dialogue fall into the trap Maria has fallen into. Maria is completely unaware of a dangerous assumption she’s making. She’s upset at being overlooked and is keeping a professional silence. She’s assuming that her emotions and behavior are the only right and reasonable reactions under the circumstances. She’s convinced that anyone in her place would feel the same way.
Here is the problem. Maria is treating her emotions as if they are the only valid response. Since, in her mind, they are both justified and accurate, she makes no effort to question them. In fact, in her view, Louis caused them. Ultimately, her actions (saying nothing and taking cheap shots) are being driven by these very emotions. Since she’s not acting on her emotions, her emotions are acting on her – controlling her behavior and driving her deteriorating relationship with Louis, and she doesn’t even know it.
People who are the best at dialogue do something completely different. They act on their emotions. That is, when they have strong feelings, they influence and often change their emotions by thinking them out. As a result, they choose their emotions, and by so doing, make it possible to choose behaviors that create better results.
This, of course, is easier said than done. How do you rethink yourself from an emotional and dangerous state into one that puts you back in control?
Where should Maria start? To help rethink or gain control of our emotions, let’s see where our feelings come from in the first place. Let’s look at a model that helps us first examine and then gain control of our own emotions.
Feel (hurt, worried) => Act (silence, cheap shots)
Consider Maria. She’s feeling hurt but is worried that if she says something to Louis, she’ll look too emotional, so she alternates between holding her feelings inside (avoiding) and taking cheap shots (masking).
Maria actions stem from her feelings. First she feels and then she acts. That’s easy enough, but it bags the question: What’s causing Maria’s feelings in the first place?
Is it Louis’s behavior? As was the case with the nacho-mother-in-law, did Louis make Maria feel insulted and hurt?
Maria heard and saw Louis do something, she generated an emotion, and then she acted out her feelings – using forms of masking and avoiding.
So here is the big question:
What happens between Louis acting and Maria feeling?
Is there an intermediate step that turns someone else’s actions into our feelings?
If not, then it has to be true that others make us feel the way we do.
As it turn out, there is an intermediate step between what others do and how we feel. That’s why, when faced with the same circumstances, ten people may have ten different emotional responses. For instance, with a coworker like Louis, some might feel insulted whereas others merely feel curious. Some become angry and others feel concern or even sympathy.
What is this intermediate step? Just after we observe what others do and just before we feel some emotion about it, we tell ourselves a story. That is, we interpret or add meaning to the action we observed. To the simple behavior we add motive.
Why were they doing that?
We also add judgment – is good or bad?
And then, based on these thoughts or stories or interpretations, our body responds with an emotion.
See/Hear ==> Interpret/Tell a Story ==> Feel ==> Act
We call the process above our Path to Action because it explains how emotions, thoughts, and experiences lead to our actions. We observe, we interpret or tell a story, and then we feel. Since we and only we are telling the story or doing the interpretation, we can take back control of our own emotions by telling a different story. If we can find a way to control the stories we tell, by rethinking or retelling them, we can master our emotions and, therefore, master our crucial conversations.
Stories explain what’s going on. Exactly what are our stories. They are our interpretations of the facts. They are theories we use to explain why, how, and what.
For instance, Maria asks: “Why does Louis take over?”
And then she interprets or tell herself the stories:
“He doesn’t trust my ability to communicate. Louis thinks I’m incompetent, and this is bad. He thinks that because I’m a woman, people won’t listen to me. What should I do about all this? If I say something, he’ll think I’m a whiner or oversensitive or militant, so it’s best to clam up.”
As we come up with our own meaning or stories, it isn’t long until our body responds with strong feelings or emotions – they’re directly linked to our judgments of right or wrong, good or bad, kind or selfish, fair or unfair, etc.
Maria’s story yields anger and frustration. These feelings, in turn, drive Maria to her actions – toggling back and forth between clamming up and taking an occasional cheap shot.
See/Hear ==> Interpret/Tell a Story ==> Feel ==> Act
See/Hear: Louis makes all the points, meets privately with the boss.
Interpret/Tell a Story: He doesn’t trust me and thinks I’m weak. If I’ll speak up I’ll look too emotional.
Feel: hurt and worried.
Act: silence, cheap shots.
Even if you don’t realize it, you are telling yourself stories. It’s our interpretations or stories that drive our emotions and not other people’s actions.
Our interpretation or storytelling typically happens blindly fast. When we believe we’re at risk, we tell ourselves a story so quickly that we don’t even know we’re doing it.
If you don’t believe this is true, ask yourself whether you always become angry when someone laughs at you. If sometimes you do and sometimes you don’t (It depends on your interpretations or stories you tell to yourself), then your response isn’t hardwired. That means something goes between others laughing at you (what you see/hear) and you feeling, that is your interpretations or stories. In truth, you interpret or tell yourself a story. You may not remember it, but you tell a story.
See/Hear ==> Interpret/Tell a Story ==> Feel ==> Act
Any set of fact can be used to tell an infinite number of stories. These fabrications could be told in any of thousands of different ways, almost unlimited. For instance,
- Maria could just as easily have decided that Louis didn’t realize she cared so much about the project.
- She could have concluded that Louis was feeling unimportant and this was a way of showing he was valuable.
- Or maybe he had been burned in the past because he hadn’t personally seen through every detail of a project.
Any of these stories would have fit the facts and would have created very different emotions.
If we take control of our stories, they won’t control us. People who are excel at dialogue are able to influence their emotions during crucial conversations. They recognize that while it’s true that at first we are in control of the stories we tell – after all, we do make them up of our own accord – once they’re told, the stories control us. They control how we feel and how we act. And as a result, they control the results we get from our crucial conversations.
People who are the best at dialogue find a way to first slow down and then take charge of their Path to Action. Here’s how.
To slow down the lightning-quick storytelling process and the subsequent flow of adrenaline, retrace your Path to Action – one element at a time. This calls for a bit of mental gymnastics.
First, you have to stop what you’re currently doing.
Then, you have to get in touch with why you’re doing it.
Here’s how to retrace your path:
· Notice your behavior. Ask: Am I in some form of silence or violence?
· Get in touch with your feelings. Ask: What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?
· Analyze your stories. Ask: What story or interpretation is creating these emotions?
· Get back to the fact. Ask: What evidence do I have to support this story or interpretation?
By retracing your path one element at a time, you put yourself in a position to think about, question, and change any one or more of the elements.
Notice your behavior. Ask: Am I in some form of silence or violence?
If you learn to look at yourself and notice that you yourself are slipping into silence and violence, you have a good reason to stop and take stock. But looking isn’t enough. You must take an honest look at what you’re doing. Stop and review what you are doing and avoid justifying your actions.
Not only do those who are best at crucial conversations notice when they’re slipping into silence or violence, but they are also able to admit it. They don’t wallow in self-doubt, of course, but they do recognize the problem and begin to take corrective action. The moment they realize that they’re killing dialogue, they review their own Path to Action.
Get in touch with your feelings. Ask: What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?
As skilled individuals begin to retrace their own Path to Action, they immediately move from examining their own unhealthy behavior to exploring their feelings or emotions.
Actually identifying your emotions is more difficult than you might think. In fact, many people are emotionally illiterate.
Many people say they’re angry, in fact, they’re feeling a mix of embarrassment and surprise.
Or they suggest they’re unhappy when they are feeling violated.
Perhaps they suggest they’re upset when they’re really feeling humiliated and cheated.
Since life doesn’t consist of a series of vocabulary tests, you might wonder what difference words can make. But words do matter.
Knowing what you’re really feeling helps you take a more accurate look at what is going on and why.
How about you? When experiencing strong emotions, do you stop and think about your feelings?
If so, first, do you use a rich vocabulary or do you mostly draw from terms such as “bummed out” and “furious”?
Second, do you talk openly with others about how you feel? Do you willingly talk with loved ones about what’s going on inside of you?
Third, in so doing, is your vocabulary robust and accurate? For example, are you admitting you’re feeling both embarrassed and surprised than simply angry?
It’s important to get in touch with your feelings, and to do so, you may want to expand your emotional vocabulary.
Analyze your stories. Ask: What story or interpretation is creating these emotions?
Question your feeling and stories. Once you’ve identified what you’re feeling, you have to stop and ask, given the circumstances, is it the right feeling or interpretation? Meaning, of course, are you telling the right story? After all, feelings come from stories (interpretations), and stories are our own invention.
The first step to regaining emotional control is to challenge the illusion that what you’re feeling is the only right emotion under the circumstances. This may be the hardest step, but it’s also the most important one.
By questioning our feelings, we open ourselves up to question our stories or interpretations. We challenge the comfortable conclusion that our story or interpretation is right or true. We willingly question whether our emotions (very real), and the story or interpretation behind them are accurate.
For instance, what were the facts in Maria’s story?
She saw Louis give the whole presentation. She heard the boss talk about meeting with Louis to discuss the project when she wasn’t present.
Don’t confuse stories with facts. Sometimes you fail to question your stories because you see them as immutable facts.
When you generate stories in the blink of an eye, you can get so caught up in the moment that you begin to believe your stories are facts. They feel like facts.
You confuse subjective conclusions or invented stories with hard facts. For example, in trying to ferret out facts from story, Maria might say, “He’s male chauvinist pig. That’s fact!” Ask anyone who has seen how he treats me!”
“He’s male chauvinist pig” is not a fact. It’s story or interpretation Maria created to give meaning to the facts. As we say earlier, others could watch Maria’s interactions with Louis and walk away with different stories or interpretations.
Get back to the fact. Ask: What evidence do I have to support this story or interpretation?
Separate fact from story by focusing on behavior. To separate fact from story, get back to the genuine source of your feelings.
Test your ideas against a simple criterion: Can you see or hear this thing you’re calling a fact? Was is an actual behavior?
For example, it is a fact that Louis gave 95 percent of the presentation and answered all but one question.” This is specific, objective and verifiable. Any two people watching the meeting would make the same observation.
However, the statement “He doesn’t trust me” is a conclusion. It explains what Maria thinks and not what Louis did. Conclusions are subjective.
Do what it takes to tell a useful story. A useful story, by definition, creates emotions that lead to healthy action – such as dialogue.
To see how this all fits together, let’s circle back to Maria. Let’s assume she’s retraced her Path to Action and separated the facts from the stories. Doing this has helped her realize that the story or interpretation she told was incomplete, defensive, and hurtful. So she asks herself:
· Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?
“When I found out that Louis was holding project meetings without me, I felt like I should ask him about why I wasn’t included. I believed that if I did, I could open a dialogue that would help us work better together. But then I didn’t, and as my resentment grew, I was even less interested in broaching the subject.”
If you notice that you’re talking about yourself as an innocent victim (and you weren’t held up at gunpoint), ask: Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem? This question jars you into facing up to the fact that maybe, just maybe, you did something to help cause the problem. Instead of being a victim, you were an actor.
· Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what Louis is doing?
“He really cares about producing good-quality work. Maybe he doesn’t realize that I’m as committed to the success of the project as he is.”
When you find yourself labeling or otherwise vilifying others, stop and ask: Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing? This particular question humanizes others. As we search for plausible answer to it, our emotions soften. Empathy often replaces judgment, and depending upon how we’ve treated others, personal accountability replaces self-justification.
Our purpose for asking why a reasonable, rational, and decent person might be acting a certain way is not to excuse others for any bad things they may be doing. If they are, indeed, guilty, we’ll have time to deal with that later.
The purpose of the humanizing question is to deal with our own stories or interpretations and emotions by providing a variety of possible reasons for the other person’s behavior.
In fact, with experience and maturity we learn to worry less about others’ intent and more about the effect others’ actions are having on us. No longer are we in the game of rooting out unhealthy motives. And here’s the good news.
When we reflect on alternative motives, not only do we soften our emotions, but equally important, we relax our absolute certainty long enough to allow for dialogue – the only reliable way of discovering others’ genuine motives.
· What do I really want?
“I want a respectful relationship with Louis. And I want recognition for the work I do.”
Make an honest effort to discover your motive.
Asking questions about what we really want serves two important purposes:
First, it remind us of our goal.
Second, it juices up our brain in a way that helps us keep focused on our goal.
· What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?
“I’d make an appointment to sit down with Louis and talk about how we work together.”
When you refuse to make yourself helpless, you’re forced to hold yourself accountable for using your dialogue skills rather than bemoaning your weakness. You are forced to openly, honestly, and effectively discussing the problem – not taking potshots and then justifying yourself.
As we go thorough this process we free ourselves from the poisoning effect of unhealthy emotions. Best of all, as we regain control and move back to dialogue, we become masters of our own emotions rather than hostages.
And what about Maria? What did she actually do?
She scheduled a meeting with Louis. As she prepared for the meeting, she refused to feed her ugly and incomplete stories or interpretations, admitted her own role in the problem, and entered the conversation with an open mind.
As Maria sat down with Louis, she found a way to tentatively share what she had observed. While engaging in healthy dialogue, Louis apologized for not including her in meetings with the boss. He explained that he was trying to give the boss a heads-up on some controversial parts of the presentation – and realized in retrospect that he shouldn’t have done this without her. He also apologized for dominating during the presentation.
Maria learned from the conversation that Louis tends to talk more when he gets nervous. He suggested that they each be responsible for either the first or second half of the presentation and stick to their assignments so he would be less likely to crowd her out.
The discussion ended with both of them understanding the others’ perspective and Louis promising to be more sensitive in the future.
Summary:
If strong emotions are keeping you stuck in silence or violence, try this.
Retrace your path:
Ask yourself what you’re really doing:
· Am I in some form of silence or violence? Get in touch with your feeling. Learn to accurately identify the emotions behind your story or interpretation.
· What emotions are encouraging me to act this way? Analyze your stories or interpretations. Questions your conclusions and look for other possible explanations behind your story.
· What story or interpretation is creating these emotions? Get back to the facts. Abandon your absolute certainty by distinguishing between hard facts and your invented stories.
· What evidence do I have to support this story? By retracing your path one element at a time, you put yourself in a position to think about, question, and change any one or more of the elements.
To get to the useful story, ask:
· Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?
· Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?
· What do I really want?
· What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?
Consider Maria, a copywriter who is currently hostage to some pretty strong emotions. She and her colleague Louis just reviewed the latest draft of a proposal with their boss. During the meeting, they were supposed to be jointly presenting their latest ideas. But when Maria paused to take a breath, Louis took over the presentation, making almost all the points they had come up with together. When the boss turned to Maria for input, there was nothing left for her to say.
Maria has been feeling humiliated and angry throughout this project. First, Louis took their suggestions to the boss and discussed them behind her back. Second, he completely monopolized the presentation. Consequently, Maria believes that Louis is downplaying her contribution because she’s the only woman on the team.
She’s getting fed up with his “boys’ club” mentality. So what does she do? She doesn’t want to appear “oversensitive,” so most of the time she says nothing and just does her job. However, she does manage to assert herself by occasionally getting in sarcastic jabs about the way she’s being treated.
“Sure I can get that printout for you. Should I just get your coffee and whip up a Bundt cake while I’m at it?” She mutters and tolls her eyes as she exits the room.
Louis, in turn, finds Maria’s cheap shots and sarcasm puzzling. He’s not sure what has Maria upset but is beginning to despise her smug attitude and hostile reaction to most everything he does. As a result, when the two work together, you could cut the tension with a knife.
People who are the worst at dialogue fall into the trap Maria has fallen into. Maria is completely unaware of a dangerous assumption she’s making. She’s upset at being overlooked and is keeping a professional silence. She’s assuming that her emotions and behavior are the only right and reasonable reactions under the circumstances. She’s convinced that anyone in her place would feel the same way.
Here is the problem. Maria is treating her emotions as if they are the only valid response. Since, in her mind, they are both justified and accurate, she makes no effort to question them. In fact, in her view, Louis caused them. Ultimately, her actions (saying nothing and taking cheap shots) are being driven by these very emotions. Since she’s not acting on her emotions, her emotions are acting on her – controlling her behavior and driving her deteriorating relationship with Louis, and she doesn’t even know it.
People who are the best at dialogue do something completely different. They act on their emotions. That is, when they have strong feelings, they influence and often change their emotions by thinking them out. As a result, they choose their emotions, and by so doing, make it possible to choose behaviors that create better results.
This, of course, is easier said than done. How do you rethink yourself from an emotional and dangerous state into one that puts you back in control?
Where should Maria start? To help rethink or gain control of our emotions, let’s see where our feelings come from in the first place. Let’s look at a model that helps us first examine and then gain control of our own emotions.
Feel (hurt, worried) => Act (silence, cheap shots)
Consider Maria. She’s feeling hurt but is worried that if she says something to Louis, she’ll look too emotional, so she alternates between holding her feelings inside (avoiding) and taking cheap shots (masking).
Maria actions stem from her feelings. First she feels and then she acts. That’s easy enough, but it bags the question: What’s causing Maria’s feelings in the first place?
Is it Louis’s behavior? As was the case with the nacho-mother-in-law, did Louis make Maria feel insulted and hurt?
Maria heard and saw Louis do something, she generated an emotion, and then she acted out her feelings – using forms of masking and avoiding.
So here is the big question:
What happens between Louis acting and Maria feeling?
Is there an intermediate step that turns someone else’s actions into our feelings?
If not, then it has to be true that others make us feel the way we do.
As it turn out, there is an intermediate step between what others do and how we feel. That’s why, when faced with the same circumstances, ten people may have ten different emotional responses. For instance, with a coworker like Louis, some might feel insulted whereas others merely feel curious. Some become angry and others feel concern or even sympathy.
What is this intermediate step? Just after we observe what others do and just before we feel some emotion about it, we tell ourselves a story. That is, we interpret or add meaning to the action we observed. To the simple behavior we add motive.
Why were they doing that?
We also add judgment – is good or bad?
And then, based on these thoughts or stories or interpretations, our body responds with an emotion.
See/Hear ==> Interpret/Tell a Story ==> Feel ==> Act
We call the process above our Path to Action because it explains how emotions, thoughts, and experiences lead to our actions. We observe, we interpret or tell a story, and then we feel. Since we and only we are telling the story or doing the interpretation, we can take back control of our own emotions by telling a different story. If we can find a way to control the stories we tell, by rethinking or retelling them, we can master our emotions and, therefore, master our crucial conversations.
Stories explain what’s going on. Exactly what are our stories. They are our interpretations of the facts. They are theories we use to explain why, how, and what.
For instance, Maria asks: “Why does Louis take over?”
And then she interprets or tell herself the stories:
“He doesn’t trust my ability to communicate. Louis thinks I’m incompetent, and this is bad. He thinks that because I’m a woman, people won’t listen to me. What should I do about all this? If I say something, he’ll think I’m a whiner or oversensitive or militant, so it’s best to clam up.”
As we come up with our own meaning or stories, it isn’t long until our body responds with strong feelings or emotions – they’re directly linked to our judgments of right or wrong, good or bad, kind or selfish, fair or unfair, etc.
Maria’s story yields anger and frustration. These feelings, in turn, drive Maria to her actions – toggling back and forth between clamming up and taking an occasional cheap shot.
See/Hear ==> Interpret/Tell a Story ==> Feel ==> Act
See/Hear: Louis makes all the points, meets privately with the boss.
Interpret/Tell a Story: He doesn’t trust me and thinks I’m weak. If I’ll speak up I’ll look too emotional.
Feel: hurt and worried.
Act: silence, cheap shots.
Even if you don’t realize it, you are telling yourself stories. It’s our interpretations or stories that drive our emotions and not other people’s actions.
Our interpretation or storytelling typically happens blindly fast. When we believe we’re at risk, we tell ourselves a story so quickly that we don’t even know we’re doing it.
If you don’t believe this is true, ask yourself whether you always become angry when someone laughs at you. If sometimes you do and sometimes you don’t (It depends on your interpretations or stories you tell to yourself), then your response isn’t hardwired. That means something goes between others laughing at you (what you see/hear) and you feeling, that is your interpretations or stories. In truth, you interpret or tell yourself a story. You may not remember it, but you tell a story.
See/Hear ==> Interpret/Tell a Story ==> Feel ==> Act
Any set of fact can be used to tell an infinite number of stories. These fabrications could be told in any of thousands of different ways, almost unlimited. For instance,
- Maria could just as easily have decided that Louis didn’t realize she cared so much about the project.
- She could have concluded that Louis was feeling unimportant and this was a way of showing he was valuable.
- Or maybe he had been burned in the past because he hadn’t personally seen through every detail of a project.
Any of these stories would have fit the facts and would have created very different emotions.
If we take control of our stories, they won’t control us. People who are excel at dialogue are able to influence their emotions during crucial conversations. They recognize that while it’s true that at first we are in control of the stories we tell – after all, we do make them up of our own accord – once they’re told, the stories control us. They control how we feel and how we act. And as a result, they control the results we get from our crucial conversations.
People who are the best at dialogue find a way to first slow down and then take charge of their Path to Action. Here’s how.
To slow down the lightning-quick storytelling process and the subsequent flow of adrenaline, retrace your Path to Action – one element at a time. This calls for a bit of mental gymnastics.
First, you have to stop what you’re currently doing.
Then, you have to get in touch with why you’re doing it.
Here’s how to retrace your path:
· Notice your behavior. Ask: Am I in some form of silence or violence?
· Get in touch with your feelings. Ask: What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?
· Analyze your stories. Ask: What story or interpretation is creating these emotions?
· Get back to the fact. Ask: What evidence do I have to support this story or interpretation?
By retracing your path one element at a time, you put yourself in a position to think about, question, and change any one or more of the elements.
Notice your behavior. Ask: Am I in some form of silence or violence?
If you learn to look at yourself and notice that you yourself are slipping into silence and violence, you have a good reason to stop and take stock. But looking isn’t enough. You must take an honest look at what you’re doing. Stop and review what you are doing and avoid justifying your actions.
Not only do those who are best at crucial conversations notice when they’re slipping into silence or violence, but they are also able to admit it. They don’t wallow in self-doubt, of course, but they do recognize the problem and begin to take corrective action. The moment they realize that they’re killing dialogue, they review their own Path to Action.
Get in touch with your feelings. Ask: What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?
As skilled individuals begin to retrace their own Path to Action, they immediately move from examining their own unhealthy behavior to exploring their feelings or emotions.
Actually identifying your emotions is more difficult than you might think. In fact, many people are emotionally illiterate.
Many people say they’re angry, in fact, they’re feeling a mix of embarrassment and surprise.
Or they suggest they’re unhappy when they are feeling violated.
Perhaps they suggest they’re upset when they’re really feeling humiliated and cheated.
Since life doesn’t consist of a series of vocabulary tests, you might wonder what difference words can make. But words do matter.
Knowing what you’re really feeling helps you take a more accurate look at what is going on and why.
How about you? When experiencing strong emotions, do you stop and think about your feelings?
If so, first, do you use a rich vocabulary or do you mostly draw from terms such as “bummed out” and “furious”?
Second, do you talk openly with others about how you feel? Do you willingly talk with loved ones about what’s going on inside of you?
Third, in so doing, is your vocabulary robust and accurate? For example, are you admitting you’re feeling both embarrassed and surprised than simply angry?
It’s important to get in touch with your feelings, and to do so, you may want to expand your emotional vocabulary.
Analyze your stories. Ask: What story or interpretation is creating these emotions?
Question your feeling and stories. Once you’ve identified what you’re feeling, you have to stop and ask, given the circumstances, is it the right feeling or interpretation? Meaning, of course, are you telling the right story? After all, feelings come from stories (interpretations), and stories are our own invention.
The first step to regaining emotional control is to challenge the illusion that what you’re feeling is the only right emotion under the circumstances. This may be the hardest step, but it’s also the most important one.
By questioning our feelings, we open ourselves up to question our stories or interpretations. We challenge the comfortable conclusion that our story or interpretation is right or true. We willingly question whether our emotions (very real), and the story or interpretation behind them are accurate.
For instance, what were the facts in Maria’s story?
She saw Louis give the whole presentation. She heard the boss talk about meeting with Louis to discuss the project when she wasn’t present.
Don’t confuse stories with facts. Sometimes you fail to question your stories because you see them as immutable facts.
When you generate stories in the blink of an eye, you can get so caught up in the moment that you begin to believe your stories are facts. They feel like facts.
You confuse subjective conclusions or invented stories with hard facts. For example, in trying to ferret out facts from story, Maria might say, “He’s male chauvinist pig. That’s fact!” Ask anyone who has seen how he treats me!”
“He’s male chauvinist pig” is not a fact. It’s story or interpretation Maria created to give meaning to the facts. As we say earlier, others could watch Maria’s interactions with Louis and walk away with different stories or interpretations.
Get back to the fact. Ask: What evidence do I have to support this story or interpretation?
Separate fact from story by focusing on behavior. To separate fact from story, get back to the genuine source of your feelings.
Test your ideas against a simple criterion: Can you see or hear this thing you’re calling a fact? Was is an actual behavior?
For example, it is a fact that Louis gave 95 percent of the presentation and answered all but one question.” This is specific, objective and verifiable. Any two people watching the meeting would make the same observation.
However, the statement “He doesn’t trust me” is a conclusion. It explains what Maria thinks and not what Louis did. Conclusions are subjective.
Do what it takes to tell a useful story. A useful story, by definition, creates emotions that lead to healthy action – such as dialogue.
To see how this all fits together, let’s circle back to Maria. Let’s assume she’s retraced her Path to Action and separated the facts from the stories. Doing this has helped her realize that the story or interpretation she told was incomplete, defensive, and hurtful. So she asks herself:
· Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?
“When I found out that Louis was holding project meetings without me, I felt like I should ask him about why I wasn’t included. I believed that if I did, I could open a dialogue that would help us work better together. But then I didn’t, and as my resentment grew, I was even less interested in broaching the subject.”
If you notice that you’re talking about yourself as an innocent victim (and you weren’t held up at gunpoint), ask: Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem? This question jars you into facing up to the fact that maybe, just maybe, you did something to help cause the problem. Instead of being a victim, you were an actor.
· Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what Louis is doing?
“He really cares about producing good-quality work. Maybe he doesn’t realize that I’m as committed to the success of the project as he is.”
When you find yourself labeling or otherwise vilifying others, stop and ask: Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing? This particular question humanizes others. As we search for plausible answer to it, our emotions soften. Empathy often replaces judgment, and depending upon how we’ve treated others, personal accountability replaces self-justification.
Our purpose for asking why a reasonable, rational, and decent person might be acting a certain way is not to excuse others for any bad things they may be doing. If they are, indeed, guilty, we’ll have time to deal with that later.
The purpose of the humanizing question is to deal with our own stories or interpretations and emotions by providing a variety of possible reasons for the other person’s behavior.
In fact, with experience and maturity we learn to worry less about others’ intent and more about the effect others’ actions are having on us. No longer are we in the game of rooting out unhealthy motives. And here’s the good news.
When we reflect on alternative motives, not only do we soften our emotions, but equally important, we relax our absolute certainty long enough to allow for dialogue – the only reliable way of discovering others’ genuine motives.
· What do I really want?
“I want a respectful relationship with Louis. And I want recognition for the work I do.”
Make an honest effort to discover your motive.
Asking questions about what we really want serves two important purposes:
First, it remind us of our goal.
Second, it juices up our brain in a way that helps us keep focused on our goal.
· What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?
“I’d make an appointment to sit down with Louis and talk about how we work together.”
When you refuse to make yourself helpless, you’re forced to hold yourself accountable for using your dialogue skills rather than bemoaning your weakness. You are forced to openly, honestly, and effectively discussing the problem – not taking potshots and then justifying yourself.
As we go thorough this process we free ourselves from the poisoning effect of unhealthy emotions. Best of all, as we regain control and move back to dialogue, we become masters of our own emotions rather than hostages.
And what about Maria? What did she actually do?
She scheduled a meeting with Louis. As she prepared for the meeting, she refused to feed her ugly and incomplete stories or interpretations, admitted her own role in the problem, and entered the conversation with an open mind.
As Maria sat down with Louis, she found a way to tentatively share what she had observed. While engaging in healthy dialogue, Louis apologized for not including her in meetings with the boss. He explained that he was trying to give the boss a heads-up on some controversial parts of the presentation – and realized in retrospect that he shouldn’t have done this without her. He also apologized for dominating during the presentation.
Maria learned from the conversation that Louis tends to talk more when he gets nervous. He suggested that they each be responsible for either the first or second half of the presentation and stick to their assignments so he would be less likely to crowd her out.
The discussion ended with both of them understanding the others’ perspective and Louis promising to be more sensitive in the future.
Summary:
If strong emotions are keeping you stuck in silence or violence, try this.
Retrace your path:
Ask yourself what you’re really doing:
· Am I in some form of silence or violence? Get in touch with your feeling. Learn to accurately identify the emotions behind your story or interpretation.
· What emotions are encouraging me to act this way? Analyze your stories or interpretations. Questions your conclusions and look for other possible explanations behind your story.
· What story or interpretation is creating these emotions? Get back to the facts. Abandon your absolute certainty by distinguishing between hard facts and your invented stories.
· What evidence do I have to support this story? By retracing your path one element at a time, you put yourself in a position to think about, question, and change any one or more of the elements.
To get to the useful story, ask:
· Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?
· Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?
· What do I really want?
· What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?
posted by Inspirational Articles at 7:43 AM
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