Make It Safe for Dialogue

To get started, let’s examine a situation where safety is at risk. We’ll eavesdrop on a couple as they try to discuss one of the most delicate of topics - physical intimacy.

First a little background. Jotham thinks he and Yvonne are intimate with each other far too seldom. Yvonne is satisfied with their relationship. For years the two have acted out rather than talked out their concern. When Jotham wants to be amorous and Yvonne doesn’t respond, he goes to silence. He pouts almost nothing, and avoids Yvonne for the next few days.

Yvonne knows what’s going on with Jotham. Occasionally she’ll go along with him even when she’s not feeling particularly romantic. She does this in hopes of avoiding Jotham’s pouting. Unfortunately, she then feels resentful toward Jotham, and it’s much longer before she feels genuinely romantic toward him.

So here’s the game. The more Jotham insists and pouts, the less attractive and interesting he is to Yvonne. The more Yvonne succumbs and then resents, the less she is interested in the entire relationship. The more both of them act out rather than talk out this crucial conversation, the more likely they are to end up going their separate ways. Yvonne has decided to broach the subject with Jotham. Rather than waiting until they’ve both upset, she’s picked a time when they’re relaxing on the couch. Here goes.

Yvonne: “Jotham, can you talk about what happened last night – you know, when I told you that I was tired?”
Jotham: “I don’t know if I’m in the mood.”
Yvonne: “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Jotham: “I’m sick and tired of you deciding when we do what!”
Yvonne: (walk out).

Okay, let’s look at Yvonne. She tried to tackle a tough topic. Good for her. She was already uncomfortable and her partner took a cheap shot at her. Some help he was. Now what should she do? How can she get back to honest and healthy dialogue? What do you do when you don’t feel like it’s safe to share what’s on your mind?

The key is to step out of the content of the conversation. Don’t stay stuck in what’s being said. Yvonne existed because she was focused on what Jotham was saying. If she had been looking at Jotham’s behavior, she would have spotted his use of sarcasm – a form of masking. Rather than talking out his concern, he’s taking a potshot. Why would he do that? Because he doesn’t feel safe using dialogue. But Yvonne missed this point.

Now, we’re not suggesting that Jotham’s behavior is acceptable or that Yvonne should put up with it. But first things first. Start with Heart.

Start with Heart: Here’s how people who are skilled at dialogue stay focused on their goals – particularly when the going gets tough. Work on yourself first. Remember that the only person you can directly control is yourself. Focus on what you really want. When find yourself moving toward silence or violence, stop and pay attention to your motives, clarify what you really want.

The first question is: “What do I really want?” If you really want to have a healthy conversation about a topic that will make or break your relationship, then for a moment or two you may have to set aside confronting the current issue - for example, Jotham’s sarcasm.

Yvonne’s challenge here is to build safety – enough so that she can talk about their physical relationship, about the way Jotham is dealing with it, or about any other concerns. But if she doesn’t make it safe, all she’s going to get is a continuation of the silence and violence game. So, what should she do?

The best conversationalists don’t play game. They know that dialogue is the free flow of meaning – with no pretending, sugarcoating, or faking. So they do something completely different. They step out of the content of the conversation, make it safe, and then step back in. By stepping out of the content and building enough safety that almost anything becomes discussable.

For example: “It would be good if we could both share what’s working and what isn’t. My goal isn’t to make you feel guilty, and I certainly don’t want to become defensive. What I’d really love is for us to come up with a solution that makes us both satisfied in our relationship.”

Let’s go back to Yvonne and Jotham. Yvonne is trying to get the conversation going, and Jotham suspects her motives. Let’s see how Contrasting might help her.

Contrast to Fix Misunderstanding: When other misunderstands either your purpose or your intent, use Contrasting. Start with what you don’t intend or mean. Then explain what you do intend or mean.

Yvonne: “I think it makes things worse when you withdraw and won’t talk to me for days at a time.”
Jotham: “So you expect me not only to put up with regular rejection, but also to be sociable and happy when I do?”

Jotham appears to believe that Yvonne’s motive is to reshape him. It’s unsafe. Mutual Purpose is at risk. Rather than responding to his sarcasm, she should step out of the content and clarify her real motives.

Yvonne: “I don’t want to suggest that this problem is yours. The truth is, I think it’s ours. I’m not trying to put the burden on you. I don’t even know what the solution is. What I do want is to be able to talk so that we can understand each other better. Perhaps that will help me change how I’m responding to you, too.”
Jotham: “I know where this is going. We talk, I continue to get rejected, but you get to feel good about yourself because “we’ve communicated.” Have you been watching Talk Show again?”

Obviously Jotham still believes that Yvonne merely wants to confirm that their existing relationship is okay and if she does, she’ll be able to continue to reject Jotham – but feel good about it. Jotham still feels unsafe. So Yvonne continues to step out and build safety, using Contrasting.

Yvonne: “Seriously. I’m not interested in discussing why our current relationship is really okay. I can see that it isn’t. I merely want to talk about what each of us likes and doesn’t like. That way we’ll be able to see what we need to improve and why. My only goal is to come up with some ideas that will make both of us happy.
Jotham: (Changing tone and demeanor) “Really? I’m sorry to be so insecure about this. I know I’m being a bit selfish about things, but I don’t know how to make myself feel differently.”

Once Yvonne clarified her genuine goals, Jotham feels safer acknowledging his own contribution, and the two were back in dialogue.

When people misunderstand and you start arguing over the misunderstanding, stop. Use Contrasting. Explain what don’t mean until you’ve restored safety. Then return to the conversation. Safety first.

Yvonne is going to try to move to dialogue with Jotham. Let’s see how she does at making it safe in her crucial conversation. First, she’ll use Contrasting to prevent misunderstanding of her purpose.

Yvonne: “Jotham, I’d like to talk about our physical relationship. I’m not doing it to put you on the spot or to suggest the problem yours. I’m completely clear that it’s as much my problem as yours. I’d really like to talk about it so we can make things better for both of us.”
Jotham: “What’s there is to talk about? You don’t want it. I want it. I’ll try to deal with it.”
Yvonne: “I think it’s more complicated than that. The way you act sometimes makes me want to be with you even less.”
Yvonne: “If that’s how you feel, why are we pretending we have a relationship at all?”

Okay, what happened? Remember, we’re exploring Yvonne’s side of the conversation. She’s the one initiating the talk. Clearly there is a lot Jotham could be doing to make things go better. But she’s not Jotham. What should Yvonne do? Consequently, she shouldn’t respond to the content of Jotham’s discouraging statement. Rather, she should look at the safety issue behind it. Why is Jotham starting to withdraw from the conversation? Two reasons:

· The way Yvonne made her point sounded to him like she was blaming him for everything.
· He believes her concern in one small area reflects her total feelings toward him.

So she’ll apologize and use Contrasting to rebuild safety.

Apologize When Appropriate: When you’ve clearly violated respect, apologize.

Yvonne: “I’m sorry I said it that way. I’m not blaming you for how I feel or act. That’s my problem. I don’t see this as your problem. I see it as our problem. Both of us may be acting in ways that make things worse. I know I am at least.”
Jotham: “I probably am too. Sometimes I pout because I’m hurting. And I also do it hoping it’ll make you feel bad. I’m sorry about that, too.”

Notice what just happened. Since Yvonne dealt well with the safety issue and kept focused on what she really wanted out of this conversation, Jotham returned to the conversation. This is far more effective than if Yvonne had gone into blaming.
Let’s continue.

Jotham: “I just don’t see how we can work this out. I’m wired for more passion than you are – it seems like the only solution is for me to put up with it the way it is or for you to feel like a sex slave.”

Decide Which Condition of Safety Is at Risk:
· Mutual Purpose: Do others believe you care about their goals in this conversation? Do they trust your motives?
· Mutual Respect. Do others believe you respect them?

The problem now is one of Mutual Purpose. Jotham thinks he and Yvonne are at cross-purposes. In his mind, there is no possibility of a mutually satisfactory solution. Rather than move to compromise or fight for her way, Yvonne will step out of the issue and CRIB to get to Mutual Purpose.

CRIB to get to Mutual Purpose: When you are at cross-purpose, use four skills to get back to Mutual Purpose.
· (C)ommit to seek Mutual Purpose.
· (R)ecognize the purpose behind the strategy.
· (I)nvent a Mutual Purpose.
· (B)rainstorm new strategies.

Yvonne: (Commit to seek Mutual Purpose.) “No, that isn’t what I want at all. I don’t want anything with you that isn’t great for both of us. I just want to find a way to have us both feel close, appreciated, and loved.”
Jotham: “That’s what I want, too. It just seems like we get those feelings in different ways.
(Notice how Jotham is leaving the game behind and joining the dialogue. Safety – especially Mutual Purpose - is making this possible.)
Yvonne: (Recognize the purpose behind the strategy.) “Maybe not. What makes you feel loved and appreciated?”
Jotham: “Making love with you when you really want to makes me feel loved and appreciated. And you?”
Yvonne: “When you do thoughtful things for me. And when you hold me – but not always sexually.”
Jotham: “You mean, if we’re just cuddling that makes you feel loved?”
Yvonne: “Yes, and sometimes – when I think you’re doing it because you love me – sex does that for me, too.”
Jotham: (Invent a Mutual Purpose.) So we need to find ways to be together that make both of us feel loved and appreciated. Is that what we’re looking for here?”
Yvonne: “Yes, I really want that, too.”
Jotham: (Brainstorm new strategies.) . . . .

Before a crucial conversation begins, think about which skills will help you most. Remember, when it comes to these high-stakes conversations, a little progress can produce a lot of benefit. But don’t aim for perfection. Aim for progress.


Summary - Make It Safe for Dialogue

When others move to silence or violence, step out of the conversation and Make It Safe. When safety is restored, go back to the issue at hand and continue the dialogue.

Decide Which Condition of Safety Is at Risk:
· Mutual Purpose: Do others believe you care about their goals in this conversation? Do they trust your motives?
· Mutual Respect. Do others believe you respect them?

Apologize When Appropriate
· When you’ve clearly violated respect, apologize.

Contrast to Fix Misunderstanding
· When other misunderstands either your purpose or your intent, use Contrasting. Start with what you don’t intend or mean. Then explain what you do intend or mean.

CRIB to get to Mutual Purpose
· When you are at cross-purpose, use four skills to get back to Mutual Purpose.
o (C)ommit to seek Mutual Purpose.
o (R)ecognize the purpose behind the strategy.
o (I)nvent a Mutual Purpose.
o (B)rainstorm new strategies.